Okay, I left alot of friends. Pretty much all of the people that even know about this Livejournal aren't friends anymore (except one that just friended me :3 ilu, Feimi).
If any of my past friends want to contact me, please do so here: www.swiblet.deviantart.com
Yes, I've gotten better at drawing. What a surprise.
This will also be my last post in a horribly long time. Seeya on dA ^^
From the song Alaska, by Between The Buried And Me
The road is dry I’m fucking delirious right now life goes on glorious evening of nodding and jump starts I need to make a personal dance party The brain works very weird at this hour not the best time for lyrics I suppose keep writing, keep dreaming keep writing, keep dreaming keep writing, keep dreaming Nope, can't be awake and dream, drift in and out, in and out eye motions in out heat lightning, scares us both the only two people awake at this fucking hour I won't remember this in the morning at least I wrote it all down please pick the right song the one that keeps the eyes wide creepy! creepy! creepy! yes, creepy the idea of control controlling death with alertness when is the fucking sun coming up the idea of control yes, creepy controlling death with alertness controlling death with alertness Then it all changes, same scenery but sun involved shouldn't be much different ALASKA!! ALASKA!! Then it all changes, same scenery but sun involved shouldn't be much different ALASKA!! ALASKA!! the only two people awake at this fucking hour I won't remember this in the morning at least I wrote it all down wrote it all down
Well, that's it. I knew it would happen and it did. I'm losing touch with my friends. All the people that I met in highschool, just like the ones I knew in middle school, are slipping away. Partly because of the flakiness of the teenage culture. Partly because of the horrible concept called "mating". I do not understand this. I am not flaky by ANY means, and I would never abandon my friends for one person. Cassandra did it. Dale did it. Both were my friends. Both now don't know me. Then Jen and Sean. Both were my friends. Both now don't WANT to know me. I don't want to know them either, but hell, they started it. And so many more people before AND after that. And do you know what's horrible? I AM the one that helped Cassandra proclaim her love to Dale. I AM the one the reintroduced Jen to Sean. And there are SO many people who did not even KNOW their girlfriend/boyfriend before they were already my good friends. Now, the only person who has called me all this month without me calling first is Jason, and he only called because he wants to sell some goddamned knives. Ya know what? I'M NOT CALLING BACK. I am so LUCKY that my emotions have a tight leash or I would be fucking suicidal. I do not UNDERSTAND what kind of friends could leave me here to rot when I can't even walk without making one of my leg conditions revert back to "horrible". I even called DANIEL. That would be the first time I talked to him in months. He said he'd call back cuz he was at work. Did he? GUESS. Since 6th grade, I am the only one that has EVER initiated contact. There are SO MANY people that are great friends now that would not KNOW each other if not for me. And now I am here...and I have been here since Spain....and I haven't even been contacted ONCE. Wait, that is unfair. I have been contacted. Do you know by who? HUGH. HUGH CALLED ME OF HIS OWN FREE WILL. And you know what? He's the ONLY one that I plan to ever call AGAIN unless I get calls first. And you know what? That's probably a good thing too, because he's the ONLY one of ANY of my friends that I see going anywhere in the near future. He plans to make the next Ubisoft (that's a video game company, by the way). He is going to be rich. And if he doesn't do THAT, he will be the next JK Rowling. And he will STILL be rich. Yes, he is annoying and dependant. And why? Because he has met people like I have met people, and he just hasn't matured enough to make himself numb to the dissappointment. People think I have issues with the way I write. You know what? I feel like fucking KILLING them when they act worried about it. I have only a few good friends now, and I know that. Hugh, apparently is one. Alexis is another, older, better friend. My other one, my love, will die/be fertile/get cancer soon. There are others - most of which read this journal. I know that within the next few days, some people will call. My good friends will call to talk to me and console me. The others will call to see if I am talking about them in this letter. Others would call, but will read this, and get pissed because they assume I am talking about them when I say that I know someone will call, and they won't call. Just like the last rant I left. I noticed a pattern that when I introduce my friends to each other, they become great friends and they leave me behind. So lately, I have been keeping every group of my friends away from each other, never introducing. There are SO many people who have told me "Oh, there ARE better friends?" or "Wow, I don't know her!" Duh. This is why. I did this for 3 years. Now, high school is over. And I still have no one to show for it. THIS kind of HELL is where my "writing issues" come in. They figure I've gone insane every time I write on this journal. They never consider that maybe this kind of entry is what KEEPS a person sane. Huh? Didn't think of that? Or maybe you did, but it's so less INTERESTING to say that a friend is keeping sane. Are you waiting for me to go bonkers so that you can "fix me" with your caring words, then be able to say "I am important, because I saved a guy from himself. And I think so, so everyone must think so." Fucking idiots. I am sane and I am well. I am just pissed and am letting go of everyone I knew. It starts today.
Thank you, Hugh, even though you don't read this. Thank you, Alexis, and congratulations. I may never say it straight out, but you are the best friend now, and I have known you longer than I have known any of my "best friends". Thank you, dying friend whose name I will not mention. I will love you forever. Thank you, other people that I love whose names are unknown to each other.
To all others, fuck you. And fuck everyone who pretends to care about anyone. There are already people that are calling me to get back on my good side. "Waaaah, he dumped me! You were right! You said he just wanted vagina and I was right! Waaaah! Wanna hang out?" "She conned me! The bitch conned me!....Yeah, you said that, don't rub it in, asshole! Console me!" "Hello, we are with the sun sentinal and we'd like to ask you a...." *hang up* "Ben! Ben! Remember me? I loved you in 7th grade! ....... Yes, I was with him....but not now! He tried to rape me! What are you wearing?" You people sicken me. I have the amazing ability to look at a person and say what they are like. I can just say "I like you" or "I don't like you" and save myself alot of trouble! And I am always right! EVERY! TIME! I have proven it over and over. People have told me, literally, "you were right. I can't believe I liked this person." Well, assholes, how many times do I HAVE TO BE RIGHT FOR YOU TO GET IT? That's the problem with letting go of your world for one person. When that person turns out to not be the crowned jewel of perfection, you are left with NOTHING. And NO ONE. Here is the forecast. I have spent 30 minutes recounting EVERYONE that I know reads this journal that I am currently pissed at.
Four of you have boyfriends that just want sex and literally say it, but you are too drunk with love/liquor to notice. Two of you have boyfriends who are smarter than that. Two of you have girlfriends that want your money. Four of you have girlfriends that want the popularity because you have nice pecs. Johnny...your girlfriend will admit to being a lesbian within the month.
A stupid boy said something wise to me one day. One of the friends of some pretty boy I knew named "Sean S." He was feeling the same way I do now. His name was Johnny (no, not the lesbo gf Johnny) He told me "Life is just like high school. There are no friends. Once your mate finds someone better or more fun to be around, you are in the garbage. Friends are just to make the time more passable." I say that he is stupid because this statement made me like him, and I wanted to be his friend, and he turned down the offer because he was too defensive and figured that I was probably one of the people. However, he was complaining about Sean with his girlfriend. And he is still trying to get Sean back. Stupid, stupid boy.
But damn, he's right. I refuse to use people to make time passable, though. I seem to have this horrible illusion that there is someone out there who is above being used like that. I intend to find this illusion and make it (her, hopefully) my reality. BUT. If I still have the "great friends" I mentioned earlier, you can be DAMNED sure that I will hold my older, better friends over this newcomer. Love is nothing but an emotion, and when emotions take over logic, someone has a problem.
It's so funny. I have friends who say they are smart. They say they are different. They read books that say so many things I truly believe in - the same books I've read. There are friends in AP classes, or CPT classes, or CC classes, depending on what it's called in the state they're living in at the moment. They read books that teach lessons of nobility, honesty, innocence, loyalty, and civility. The books get reports done. The books are analyzed extensively. The books made the kids CRY. Yet somehow, the people are so damned stubborn that they still go against the very principle the book tried to make them learn. There are books like Lord Of The Flies, teaching many lessons, namely one of how group pressure can turn one's animal instincts into violence and fear only exhibited in prey. Yet these people are the most condescending people. They look at their friends and laugh at peoples' expense because someone analyzed Lord Of The Flies wrong! That's like writing "hail Allah" in the Christian bible. There is a certain SOMEBODY who analyzed a poem about sex. It says "you will be old and ugly soon so hve sex with me". This person wrote how wrong that poem was and how horrible it would be if the girl had sex with the poet. HOWEVER, phrases and lines of this poem were used in the same poem he wrote to ask a girl out, and are still being used today with that girl. Along with his other sometimes-subtle-sometimes-blunt sex comments. And the girl never catches them. This is horrible. The poor men who have gone through hell to write such literature to change the world....they have done so much with such valiant efforts. They write horrible things to SHAKE the SIN out of humanity. To punch it in the balls. They are the bibles of purity, they are. Yet these bibles are used for nothing but as notepads for writing hitlists on. Everybody wants to be different. It makes me want to cry. And THAT is saying something.
Well, I am out of material. That covers all my complaints. Thank you, Hugh, thank you Alexis, thank you dying cancerous fertile person, thank you Jhonen, thank you others I like. I love you guys, because if Alexis and Jhonen get together....I know that the two of them will still keep in touch with me and care about me as always. Why? Because they are good people. I'm out. And I meant every single word of everything I just said. I trust my asshole-sense from now on, no matter how irrational assholes may say that makes me.
Well, I haven't done much thought about college. I signed up online and the only thing left for me to do is visit there. I want to get a general idea of what classes I'll take. Something fun, that's for sure. The only thing I know is that I won't take drama. I'm already good enough at acting to make Spiderman and his secret identities jealous. On to the next subject......*turns around and walks away, muttering randomly"
So you can't tell me that it's all bad. I am creative. I am smart. Don't you know that? Yes. Yes I do. But why can't you ever think anything happy for once? No. No I can't. Nothing is happy. The world isn't happy. The world is one big teardrop. You should know that better than anyone. Of course the world isn't happy, but why can't you just stop trying to be so damn weird! Just live a fucking NORMAL life! And your life was the meaning of normal, I suppose? Besides, am I weird...or creative? Or just plain right? Think about it. You know people wonder sometimes. It's really annoying! Why the hell didn't you just stay the way you were before?! Because I was lenient. I was nice. No more of that. You'll thank me someday. I'll probably heal you yet. I'm FINE. Do you see happiness in your eyes when you laugh? I don't LOOK in the mirror when I laugh. I look at what I'm LAUGHING at. Do you feel happiness in your eyes when you laugh? ...................... Just answer the damned question. ....what kind of question is that anyway...? I know the answer and I believe I'm making progress. Fucker. Go kill yourself. You wish. ~~Ben
How cute, how quaint. The little boys run to church again. Pray to the ignis divine. Pray to be one of the sancta. Pray to the statue of Kyrie - don't forget him. Do not worry - the rock hears you.
With a pious necessity to be pius, Your duty awaits for now. At finus vitae There is no duty. There is destiny, that is all. Jahim, Ladza, Sae'er, these are for others. You children, you divine, get Zamhareer. Your castitatis lilia have long since withered Diaboli never close the door after leaving a room Despite the activated air conditioner. Gouge eyes, pull hair, bite arms, eat apples, by all means. Fatum never rests. Rocks have eyes as well as ears.
Eyes that glow with light in your dark. They shall indeed watch over you all, you lilies of weeds. They will not leave till the icy breeze washes over The last pectus of your burning summers. Cool air shall wisk them home in 90 years time. Zeke the freak shall prove an oracle At 7:25, the James prophecy awaits. Open your books sanctum, open your doors sepientiam. Its all been thought out, its all been preplanned. Zeke the freak shall prove an oracle. John has been savagely killed, you have done it now. You Jacks have gone and eaten the corpse. It tasted of applesauce and redrum. What is left for you but eternal winter? Nothing. It is simply another Sunday. Pull out the pages, you stoned little whores And pray to the rock in the shape of the boar.
Wellllllllpp, I went to the doctor. At least he told the truth. He told me that judging by the symptoms and the way it feels when he presses it, and by the XRay, it looks like I tore the ligament that holds the two large leg bones together. This is a huge problem and if I don't fix it, I will have my knee collapse on me randomly for the rest my life. I am not looking forward to that. Now the solution...I will need an operation. I will need a hole drilled diagonally through the two bones and have a rod inserted through them. The rod will then leave a polyester ligament there and sew it to the ends of the tendons to keep my leg in one piece. I will need a 4 month physical therapy session after the thing is installed. 4 months. That's exactly the time I have before school starts. God damn. Some vacation this turned out to be.
Did you know that this amazing genius of a band broke up because of that insignificant little moron who does NOTHING in the band but wag his head at the camera and back up vocals? >.<
Spanish and the knowledge that this band exists are the only two useful things I got from Spain.
This is the link to what I've done on my site so far. I'm so happy with it =) So far =) Do you KNOW how hard it is to make all that crap BY HAND?! It's enough to drive a guy crazy.
HTMLDOC-->www.w3.org = ordinary template <html><h1>Whaddafuk</h1></br><p><b><i><u>Spleeeeeee, ,ain't this fun&ques, ,yeah, ,lemee ,tell ,ya.</u></i></b></p><--OMG, THIS MUST BE KINDA LONG, YEAH?!/></br></br></html>
That was web code. Here's what I wrote. _________________________ Whaddafuk Splee, ain't this fun? _________________________
And I have to make whole WEB PAGES like that. Ah well =) At least I'm making progress! Look at that file! I'm so proud of meself =))))))
I'm out of Spain. It's somewhat hard to comprehend. It's great that I now have 4 months to do whatever I want before college. I really need a vacation after that vacation I've just been on. So yeah, even though I'm on vacation, I am busier than I EVER was with school.
1. I can not leave the house with my leg the way it is. No sports!!! 2. My mom, with my support, has joined a new business. She is an "associate advertiser" for the prepaid legal service she pays for. It's really a great business, which is the only reason my mom agreed to this. She needs to "branch out the service" and she will get paid for each membership affiliated with her account. If she recruits someone else to do what SHE'S doing, she will get money for that person, and for every person THAT person sells. And so on. We want to recruit alot of people. So I volunteered to make her website! It's going to be beautiful, even though the coding is difficult. I am in the process of creating a banner to replace that ugly blue bar on the top there. See? Look at the screenshot of what I've made so far.
Wow. Big. Yeah, so this is how it looks. My plans are to make beautiful flowing ribbons to replace those ugly blue bars on the top and right. I'm also thinking I will change it from blue to gold. The name on the top will change - that's temporary. Basically, it will be professional! And of course, my mom "volunteered" to pay me. My mom is a very forgetful person, so I will have to act as a behind-the-scenes manager for her whole business. 3. I will get a job as a secretary at State Farm, now that I know Spanish and since I type 75 words per minute. 4. I play a game called 2 Moons and am a very high ranking member in my guild. 5. I will make that comic about that stupid law firm who holds so many people! I wanted to forget about them, but every time someone even slightly reminds me of one of two bitches that fired me, my stomach starts to bubble and punch my spine with the hatred that...never mind. I'll make that comic. 6. My dad has cancer, short term memory loss brain damage, and heart disease and lives in a recovery clinic an hour from my home, and the only person that is on the "list" of people to take care of him is an evil half-sister of mine that we believe only wants the credit and love from him for having the title, even though he clearly loves me and my brother more. She REFUSES to let us make any cardiologist appointments or other doctor's appointments because SHE has to do it, yet she is always too busy going out with friends or going on weekly cruises to make them herself. We think she put a life insurance policy on him that she wants to run out. Since my mom is just the "ex wife", I was forced the responsibility of fighting with the half-sister, her lawyer husband, and everyone in that medical clinic because I am the oldest son and have the most chance of actually doing it. 7. I need to practice drawing and creating characters to get better at drawing in general, as Lila has told me I need very badly. 8. My best friend is basically outlawed from my house or phone because of a problem that was started by my stupid bitch of a cousin who I now hate for many reasons that must be asked personally. I am trying to sneak a call. I feel like damn Romeo, but much less heroic and loveless. 9. About that site I'm making....did I mention I don't know how to do half the stuff I'm expected to make?
>.> I'm a pretty busy person. Why has God made me a cripple NOW? I was did in by a strong wad of GUM? YEAH RIGHT. THANKS GOD!! I LOVE YOU!!! So yeah, my life is splendid =) Everyone wishes they were me right now =D I LOVE THIS VACATION.
music: The mad yapping of the stunted puppy in my neighbor's microwave
My mom greeted me with kisses and hugs. My brother greeted me with his new "manly" style of greeting. My dad hugged me for 5 minutes. My dogs AND chicken all jumped on me upon seeing me and loved me that way (except the chicken did it to try and eat my brain). Dear favorite LJ replier (xD) greeted me with a lovely two liner ending with X's and O's. Every greeting was great =) I loved the first two days here. But three's the charm =D We took my dad out to watch my brother and I play basketball, then watch National Treasure from Blockbusters. 10 seconds into playing Bball, I fell and my leg sounded with 4 different loudnesses of cracks, all in my kneecap. I now can only walk when my knee is slightly bent. I can't bend it more, I can't lock it. If I do, it goes numb and collapses and I fall, probably finishing off what happened in the first place. Let's hope it's nothing serious, because the pain sure is. A damn stupid black kid (who I could EASILY beat with one hand behind my back) boosted his pride by beating me at a match. He ran wide circles around me, cuz every time he came close, I snatched it. He won. His penis grew eight inches just then, I'm sure, because he cheered and laughed and brought his friend to laugh at me too. He tried to peg me too. I caught it and pegged him in the acorns. It made me giggle to see him writhing like that as I limped off. Then we went home to watch the movie and the DVD looked like the data was painted on by a fucking drunken moose, whose drawing hoof had the same problem as my leg does. It did not work. My dad left dissappointed and sleepy.
I live upstairs.
Yeah, my luck truly sucks today. And the best thing is, I DREAMED that this would happen in Spain and I TOLD everyone I did not want to play basketball and they made me. My dad NEEEEEEDED to see me school all those black kids. And didn't. Poor him.
Grrrrrrrrrr. Someone's out ta get me.
Imma try to call people tommorrow. Of course, I can not call Lila, because my mom's phone bill shows every number that calls, and both my mom and my brother can pick up the phone at any time. My mom will definitely not let up the fact that she thinks she was right with the damn jacket problem, even though the problem was ALL of Lila's, Marianna's, and mom's fault. I need my friend back and I don't care whose pride gets injured in the process. I want this problem fixed already >.> I'm sure you see where this is going. Email me about it if I have to expain or convince you further.
My mind and spirit are focused on healing my damn leg at the moment, and as ridiculous as this angryashell post makes it sound, my room is filled with positive energy to speed up the process. Yes, I'm probably talking jiberish to ya, but it's real to me. And Jason. Cross your fingers and hope my leg heals correctly and quickly, pweeeeez =) Thanx
My god. I NEVER want to go to Spain again. This is the fashizzle. I love my country =) I love my half-decent computer =) I love my friends =) SOMEONE INVITE ME TO THE RIDGE, DAMN IT.
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deathpie's journal
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